Starting Over

It's been awhile. A long, long, loooooooonnng while. My second daughter was born April 18th, and she is just a little love! I have decided that I want to work on my writing, so this blog will be my practice. My goal is to publish one post a week, on whatever topic I want. Today I want to talk about motherhood.

I have six months as a mother of two under my belt. There are times that I feel solidly like a veteran mom, and other times where I feel like I've started all over again. That despite having gone through the issues of feeding and sleeping and development just a year ago, I have absolutely no clue what I am doing. I've decided that that is how the human race keeps going. If mothers remembered the early months of new infants, we would never have a second, or a third, or more. My memory of so many other things is crystal clear, but I could not tell you what my first daughter was doing at six months old to save my life.

The thing I find most mind-boggling about motherhood at this point, is that I still don't feel like a mother. I love my daughters. I feel protective of them. I worry about them, I miss them when we're apart, I laugh at the ridiculous infant things they do. But when I think of all the things I do, the things I am, the labels I can give myself--wife, daughter, sister, friend, reader, crafter, baker--mother is the most foreign and uncomfortable. It's a jacket that's too big, the sleeves hanging past my fingers, the hood drooping over my eyes, the bottom hem brushing my knees. And I wonder if I will ever grow into this coat of motherhood? Will it ever feel familiar and comfortable and worn-in?

Last night as I fell asleep, I wondered vaguely what it is that makes a mother a real mother. Would I feel more motherly if my girls had come out my vagina instead of a large cut in my abdomen? If I had nursed instead of pumped or formula-fed? If I had read more books, or spent more time doing yoga or if I hadn't been slapped with PPD and PPA twice? When is the magic moment where I stop being a wooden puppet mom and turn into a real mom?

Observations of a Sick Mom

We've been really fortunate as a family to have avoided any illness for most of the first year of Piglet's life. Just a couple weeks ago, about a month shy of her first birthday, she caught her first cold. Then my husband got it. I was the last holdout, and alas, I have fallen. Being sick as a mom, especially as a pregnant mom, is definitely different.  Don't get me wrong, you still feel like shit, you just get some added layers of shittiness.

1) Before kids, I could take a sick day. I could lay in bed, drink tea, and watch TV all day. I could rest. And I'd recover rather quickly. As a mom, there are NO SUCH THINGS as sick days. Lay in bed? Nope. Maybe I could lay on the floor while Piglet climbs on me like a playground. Sounds relaxing. Drink tea? Sure. As long as it's decaf and devoid of any herb that might make it harmful to 2.0 (or flavorful, or helpful to my weakened body). Might as well just drink hot water. Watch TV all day? Hope you enjoy watching a million episodes of Daniel Tiger, then try going to bed with those stupid jingles ringing in your stuffed-up brain...

2) Pregnancy is a joy...mostly. Being sick is not one of the joys, because you can't take ANYTHING that would make you feel better. Just keep chugging that delicious hot water.

3) The chance of peeing yourself during a coughing fit pre-kids: infinitesimal. Post-kids? GUARANTEED. 

4) Sickness also robs you of the two things that every SAHM looks forward to: getting out of the house, and adult interaction. Your house is now your prison, only messier.

5) Prior to having children, you will think the Nosefrida is the most disgusting thing ever invented. After children, not only will you think it's genius, but you'll realize that sucking the snot from your child's nose is, by far, not the grossest thing you've done since becoming a mom. And when you're sick, you will be tempted to use the Nosefrida on yourself.

6) Your precious baby still wants to grab your nose and lips, which, when you aren't sick, is absolutely adorable. But you're SICK, so your nose and lips are raw and chapped and her tiny fingers feel like talons and you literally weep. 



What would you add to this list? What are your tips for surviving being sick as a mom?